The Other Side of Me











{December 17, 2007}   …my fairytale ending…:c

…when I was a kid, I used to dream of happily-ever-afters. I wished a prince will someday sweep me off my feet. I dreamed of fairy godmothers who will wave their magic wands and turn me into a lovely princess.

as I grow older, I’ve changed. I no longer believe in fairy tales and happy endings —of princes and fairy godmothers but I only wished that someday, someone will love me. That someday, I will be happy…
…he came into my life when everything was a damn failure —when everything was not I imagined it to be. He had me at my worst and it was the first time, I felt love. For months, I’ve tried to control my heart from falling but I underestimated love. I thought you can stop the feeling by a mere snap of a finger but I was wrong. So, I said yes and kept the relationship for ten months. Despite the distance, we tried to make it lasts. we’ve been through endless fights and countless breakups. It wasn’t easy and I felt like it’s not gonna work. We both struggled to be patient and understand each other’s differences. For those months, it’s not all thorns but most of those memories were beds of roses. There were times when I can laugh with him all night. He made me feel that someone cared and for once, I am myself and I didn’t pretend to be someone else. I fell for him even deeper that made me believe that he was the one…

…yes, I find myself wishing that this would be my fairy tale but I forgot about poison apples, stepsisters and wicked step mothers who will go in-between. This time they made a fool out of me and it hurts so badly. For the first time, I felt pain. It’s like a big slap in the face..it’s like a knife that cuts me deep down there.

…I’ve tried to hide it from everyone —I’ve tried to hide it from myself. I guess ten months is enough for me to realize my worth…ten months is enough fro me to be stupid. The only true thing I’m holdin’ on to right now is taken away from me…the only true thing I can really call mine, all of a sudden, turns into a one big lie!!!
…I guess the greatest irony of love is getting hurt. I don’t know if true love still exists. I don’t know if there’s still a guy who will be man enough to prove to me that they are not the same. I’m not closing my doors for love but I promise myself not to give my all. Right now, the pieces of me are still shattered and the wound is still hurting deep down but time heals as they say…I believe that letting go does not mean taking big steps away from the person, it’s about having the strength to pull the other leg left behind. I guess I will let time decide if I’m ready to fall in love again and this time, it will be forever.

…I never thought that my fairytale will end like this. I never expected it will end so soon…no falling star, no fairy godmother,no magic can make it lasts. Maybe, I have to leave my fantasy world and accept my fate that this is……..my fairytale ending!!!

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{July 15, 2007}   lettEr to myself…

dear Me, myseLf and I,

…I know I have forgotten you for so long…I ignored you and even blame you for all the misfortunes I have.! sorry, I stabbed you a thousand times and I realized I was hurting myself all along…Now that I found you, I can never afford to make those mistakes all over again! you were there when I fell in love, when I was hurt and when i was struggling to put back the pieces…you’ve been my best friend ever since and i thank you for everything!!!

…I know you have been through a lot lately. There were times that you fall down without even trying to get up…wallow in your self-pity and over your failures! Just be strong, Anne!!! Though people wants you down and some people don’t even know you existed but deep within you, I believe you can do it!!! Don’t think of them…they are just a bunch of whippies hoping you’ll fail!!!damn those assholes…Prove to them they are wrong and in the end, they will be the one who will give up on you!!!

…Anne, all these years, you live up to what people wants you to be…you want to please others to the point of forgetting your own. Oftentimes, you are walking on that tight rope…Don’t let them ruin your life!!!it’s your own life, Anne…not theirs and it’s up to you how to make it work! In the end, Anne, I know you will never be happy because you are used to fulfilling other’s expectations but deep inside, you cannot even brighten up you own!!!

            Stay Happy, Anne!!! You deserve it…

       Love you so much bestfriend!!!

Thank you for being there…

                Kaya nato ni Anne…Ikaw pa???

           si wonder woman bya ka!!!

 

 

                                    Love lots,

                            Anne

 

 



{July 12, 2007}   help!!!asap…

….right now, I’m tied in a very complicated situation! I am torn between my best friend, my very close friend and my friend’s brother…did you get the whole point??? I guess you are also confuse about this whole dilemma…I really don’t know how to start this whole damn thing!!! I want you to help me…give me a scrap of hope to get me out of this without hurting anybody because the years of friendship is at stake here! I badly needed your help…

…I guess I have to make the long story short to make it easier to save us from headaches (I hope so…). The story goes like this…I have a very close friend( girl ) who is in love with my friend’s brother…their love affair did not work out that fine and it ended up without proper closure! I’ve seen my close friend cry over that person and it took her sometime to realize that they were not really meant to be…she tried to move on and while she’s in the process of letting go and moving on, she met my best friend (guy)! I told my best friend that she’s not yet over her ex and he said he’s willing to wait…I was shocked when my close friend said she was ready to take risk again and said yes to my best friend…I was there for her all along and I support every decision she makes! But now here comes the issue…her ex wants her back and yesterday, she realized she still love her ex!

…While she was sharing that to us, I felt sorry for my best friend! My best friend said, he is happy…he loves my close friend and he doesn’t have plans of hurting her! But I don’t blame my close friend about the situation…I know she also doesn’t want to hurt my best friend and if I put myself in her shoes, I’m sure, I will also feel the same way…confused, bothered and angry over that someone who took a lot…and didn’t even tried to love me the way I wanted to be loved!

…I don’t know what to do! I have been stuck thinking if this might ruin the friendship above anything else! Please help me…I don’t know what to do!!! = (



{July 10, 2007}   ‘d P’scholg’sts!c”,)

…the first time I arrived here in Cebu, I got teary-eyed by the thought that…it’s different! It was like I have to start my life all over again…no but’s, no if’s and no questions asked!!! When I stepped foot on Cebu grounds, I felt like turning back…go home to where I came from…from where I was used to! I felt like I can’t handle the hassles and the pressures that college life offers…yes, I felt like giving up but I’m still here…alive and kicking! I realized I chose this path and I have to map my own way….alone!

 

…my greatest fear is having no friends!!! Yes, I believe in the saying that, “No one is an island…” hehe. My sisters often remind me about choosing my friends. Friends who will be good influence to me and to my studies…that’s my first pressure! Some say I can’t find true friends in college… that I have to get used to the idea of being alone!

 

…but lucky me, I found them! They are not considered as the most popular…one who’s known to be the most intelligent nor are they the richest persons on earth but they are the greatest persons I’ve met in Cebu! They wear simple clothes…sit in the hallways even sleep there! They don’t study in our library but they prefer to study on the stairs while people are passing by…once they start talking, their mouths won’t stop until the end of the day! They like singing in videoke instead of hanging out in bars or malls…they don’t drink, they don’t smoke…their life is boring!!! But they laugh their heart out with a simple joke…they cry once in a while but they make fool of themselves in their worst stupidity!

 

…I guess I made something right of choosing them as my friends! They see what’s good in me…they stay when I feel my worst and with them I can be me! I’m glad our paths have crossed and they are the reasons why I’m still hanging on to psychology amidst the endless dilemmas of schizophrenics, mental disorders…psychotics!!! We may not be the best but pick out from the rest…we rock in psych!!! Now, I realize that life maybe unfair but it is easier if you have friends to back up…as what we always utter when life gives us one heck of a day, we are all in this together



{July 4, 2007}   Ouch!!!

……yesterday, I was hanging out with my group mates in our Psychology 108 class. As usual, I wasn’t listening to what’s going on…I was busy reading messages from my friend’s cell phone! The messages touched my heart in a single way…that’s why I’m way too eager to copy it and scribble it down here!

 

……the messages speak about what’s ironic about love! When I was a child, I dreamed about happily ever after…a prince who will wake me up with a kiss and sweep me off my feet! Now that I’m getting older (I hope…wiser!), I realize that love is not all that…loving someone is a risk! One must be ready for the possible hurts and pains that go with it…and it is very difficult to put back the pieces together!

 

….the messages are all about…..LOVE! Love that is not meant to be…a love that is unfair! It’s about loss, it’s about letting go and it’s about moving on despite everything! I hope you’ll like it…

 

 

I love to look at the twinkling stars…I love to stare at them and make a wish! It’s in them where I can reveal my feelings, I can cry at them and I can be myself without worrying that they would leave…they witnessed the night I fell in love, the night he broke my heart and the struggle to put back the pieces! And when I sleep, they were all I’ve got…watching me while I dream! Now that I’m alone staring at them and hoping that the man I will soon love….is staring at them too!

 

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love in your life…the truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much….forgetting that you are special too!

 

It’s TRUE…setting someone free is the hardest thing to do! It’s not the tears you cried that makes it so hard…but the small piece of HOPE left inside your heart that someday….you’ll still end up together!

 

Once you undergo a failed relationship, the pain is always left unaided…everyone thinks you moved on! But you’ll realize…you never stopped loving them, you just learn to live WITHOUT them!

 

It’s heartbreaking when you decide to give your heart and no one would take it…but it’s even sad, when someone takes it, promised to take good care of it…then gives it back…BROKEN!

 

Wanna know how weird love in this universe is?? Love is like the star, she stays with the moon even if she knows she’s not the only one…Love is like the moon, who patiently follows his sun! Love is like the sun who gives light for the planet she can’t even touch…Love is like the planet who contents himself by just viewing the star from afar!

 

Define pretending: Saying you’re okay but you’re not…that you understand but you don’t…acting like you’re busy but in reality you’re lonely. Convincing people that you just want to be friends but what you really want is more than friends… when you know that he has somebody new, you act like it doesn’t hurt when it really hurt so bad inside! When you say, you’ve moved on but the truth is, you’re still waiting…when you say, it’s over but you know…your heart still shouts his name!

 

….ouch! It really hurts…but as what my teacher said, “You had lived your life before your paths crossed with someone you love, you can still live and go back to who you once were…and realize, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER!!!”



{June 30, 2007}   me, Myself and I….

…all my life I’ve been stuck trying to be someone others wants me to be! I must be this and I must get that…I am tired of pleasing everybody and forgetting my own! I’m tired of saying I’m ok…it’s like smiling in front of other people though your heart is breaking!Can I define Pretending???these stuffs make it to the definition…I guess a simple smile can hide everything…but it can never hide the fact to yourself that you’re hurt and it’s like a knife that cuts you deep down there…

my psychology teacher, Sir Glenn has the power to read between the lines during our Gestalt Marathon Session. The purpose of that three-days seminar is self-awareness…searching for ourselves is an ongoing process! it may even take the rest of our lives to find it but what Sir Glenn said, ” LIFE PER SE IS LIFE ENOUGH…” we don’t realize that what we are looking for is within us but we failed to see it because we are looking far beyond what are eyes can see and what our hearts could feel…I guess we must have to look deeper and it is in there lies the answers to all our questions…

I was struck when Sir Glenn explained to us about letting go and moving on…he said, ” letting go is not about taking big steps away from the person you love…it’s about having the strength to pull the other leg that is left behind!” I guess it’s true…letting go and moving on is such a difficult step to make…it entails a lot of courage and patience to get over the person. Sometimes, you even take steps backward every time you see the person because even though how much you deny that you have moved on, you can’t hide that there are still broken pieces left to mend…and that takes time!

…I admit I haven’t had time to reflect on the choices i once had because i have been busy pleasing others and I’m busy being someone else I’m not…It was not easy! It’s like walking on a tight rope, watching every step I make and trying not to fall…but I never realize that I will never fall because the rope is on the floor!i was just busy thinking what others will say if i fall…If only people will just accept me for who I am and what I can offer, maybe my life wouldn’t be this miserable…but all these things made me a strong person…strong enough to keep my head high while walking on that tight rope!

…the words of Sir Glenn touched my life in a very special way…it made me to think of myself and hold on to her no matter what happens because she is all I’ve got…all my life I’ve been blaming myself over failures without thinking that me, myself and i are just the same…life is unfair!it was, it is and it will be but as long as i hold on to myself, nobody could ever break me down….

it was another experience for me! I will never forget the person I once met in the four corners of our group dynamics lab…that same person I once ignored and forgotten! at the end of the day, I had an encounter with myself and met true people with different stories to tell…and i realized mine was not even half as theirs! all these things boil down to one line uttered by my teacher before we said our goodbyes….

Love ourselves for exactly who we are and what we have…if we don’t, nobody else will…”



{June 22, 2007}   sOngs to ponDer on…

…what I will post now were the songs my teacher taught us during our Gestalt Marathon Session…what’s gestalt?? well, i will be scribbling it down soon…not this time because I am still on the process of gettin’ to know the real me! i guess, you already have an idea what it is…but let’s not dwell on that now!!!hehehe…

…the songs are not familiar to you even to me! i just heard this earlier and it made a great impact to me and i hope to you, too…these songs remind us to think of ourselves and be aware that there is someone who will be there when the world leaves you…i hope that after reading the lines, you will get a glimpse of who that someone is!!

first song: I AM I

i am i, you are you
i’m not here in this world
to live up to what you expect of me
nor are you here to live up to mine
if by chance, we meet! it’s beautiful…
if not, it cannot be helped
I am i, you are you
in our difference, we can share

( repeat all except the last two lines )

…the fact that we are here is worth a try!

second song:
MYSELF

would you take better care of yourself
would you be kinder to yourself
would you be more forgiving of your human imperfections
if you realize your bestfriend is yourself

who is always with you eveywhere
who is on your side when others are unfair
and tell me who would never let you down in any situation
who is always there to see you get your share

chorus:
and that’s why i am the bestfriend to myself
and i take me out whenever i feel low
and I make my life as happy as the bestfriend would
I’m as nice to me as anyone i know

…i wished you knew who that someone is…and before i’ll close my eyes and dream of nowhere, i will leave you with a question to think about….how much do you really know about yourself??? the answer lies in you…as what Socrates said,

” a life without reflection is a life not worth living….”



{June 20, 2007}   wHo aM I???

…yesterday, I woke up feelin’ a bit scared! i don’t know why…I was feelin’ nervous to enter my philosophy class thinkin’ that I’m just the only gurl among all philo majors! my achi lutz told me to just go out there and it’s just ok to be the only thorn among the rose….yah right?! i was never intimidated by men..I can go with the flow and be one of the boys but i don’t know why i felt butterflies in my stomach at that very moment!

…when i arrived in school, I felt my knees shaking as i climbed the stairs going to my room. I bumped into a friend and ask him to just be with me until the bell rings…as I entered the room, i was amazed to see 3 girls sittin’ quietly ignoring the noise created by a bunch of men! I wanted to hug them one by one and tell them we are all in this together but I hold back my emotions…you know!?I just smiled and find a seat at the back…like the other gurls, i kept quiet and just let go of my insecurities!

…my philosophy class in not the ordinary class I used to have. I know it will give me the chance to broaden my horizons about life and about myself…my teacher asked us a simple question….Who are you and why are you here in this world??yes, simple as it may seem but it leaves something to think about…who am i and why am I here??until now, I am still trying to find my purpose and I ‘m still on the process of gettin’ to know myself…I guess its a tough work but I’m willing to search for the real me even if it takes forever!

…I came home thinking about the last words my teacher said… ” there are too many questions but the answers are so few… look for it and you’ll find the real YOU…” i guess it’s really up to us if we let our insecurities wallow us…i know the answers are just there but we are too scared to face it and worst, accept it with open arms!!!

…My first day wasn’t that bad I guess!!! I woke up feelin’ confused whether to drop this subject or make my way up there…I guess my choice was right!!! tomorrow is another chance to experience the power of philosophy…who knows I will become a great philosopher someday??



{June 18, 2007}   i’m a JuniOr…weeehhh!!!

today is the start of another schoolyear for me! how time passed so swiftly…I was just a no-earth probinsyana who came here in the city bringing nothing to be proud of but only her dreams for the future…I’m a typical freshie who didn’t even know what I’m into and what lies ahead! but I survived all my timid days, strut my stuff and came out of my comfort zone…i admit it was not easy! I have to let go of my inhibitions and gather enough guts to show  the world what I can offer…in this world where people wants you down, you have no one to turn to but yourself…don’t wait for other people to push that button for you…give your self a boost and be the best even if people expects you to do less!

 …it was two years ago when I tried so hard to belong and to be accepted. Now that I am almost there, I always look back to where I started. it gives me enough strenght to move on amidst life’s twists and turns…I’m now a certified junior!!!I know what I’ve learned is not even half of what i will experience in reality…I guess I have to be strong and hold on tight because life is all about hangin’ tough and standing firm!!!

…I realize that it doesn’t matter where you came from, who your parents are or even what you only have…what matters is how you treat life and how you make a difference if you only dare!!!yes, i was just a probinsyana but now, i feel like I am more greater than any city gurl i know….



{June 16, 2007}   To my PaPa…

…i’ve been thinking what to scribble down but I couldn’t think of any…since tomorrow is father’s day, i just want to tell the whole world how great my father is!

…there were times in my life wherein I regret not having enough time to be with him!times wherein I blame him for all the misfortunes that befell to my family…sometimes, I wished for somebody else to be my father!I hate the way he wallows in failures without fighting back…i hate to see him smoke every now and then! I hate him everytime he hurts my younger siblings…I don’t like being compared to my elder sisters and trying to make me into someone else I’m not!

…but you know what!? I wouldn’t trade my papa to anyone here in this world…why?? because he is always there to listen to me when my mouth won’t stop…he is there to laugh at my corny jokes and be with me when i can’t sleep! My papa gave me one thing that i’m holdin’ on to right now….my confidence in myself! he believes in me and supports me in every decisions I make…he taught me to be strong to face life itself! most of all, he offers unconditional love that is selfless and true…

…I know i disappointed him many times. I stabbed his heart because of my immaturities. But i’m trying my best to make him proud of me and tell the whole world that i’m his daughter. Now that I’m away from him, I wanted to turn back time and tell him how grateful i am to have a father like him…I just hope he knows that I love him so much!

…I don’t know if he can read this but I hope he could…one thing my papa taught me is to be careful to whom i will give my heart to…I’m sure i will meet many guys along the way! men who will sweep me off my feet and guys who will hurt and break my heart into pieces…but I know there is one man who will never leave me, hold my hand and will never let go! I’m sure you know who he is…



et cetera